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Protecting Your Children as you Divorce
by Ralph Crainer
http://www.divorcey.com
Divorce is a family affair, and couples who have initiated
steps toward this end, or plan to, should consider the
impact that their decision will make on their children.
Regardless of their ages, kids feel a keen sense of loss,
sadness and insecurity when the members of their family
become separated. As a parent, it's your responsibility to
make sure that this transition is as clean, and peaceful
,as possible.
Make sure you do not fight in front of the children about
the issues that affect them in the divorce. You should
never fight in front of your children in any case, but make
sure to avoid it when you have to discuss topics such as
child support, custody and topics like that. Hearing these
arguments will make them feel more lost and insecure, as
well as guilty. They may feel that they have to take sides.
And never use your children as a pawn in the fight against
your spouse. Children suffer irredeemable damage when they
have to listen to a parent being constantly criticized.
When the criticism is by the other parent, it is very hard
for the child to reconcile these two realities.Children are
frequently used in custody battles, especially when one
spouse wants to hurt the other. It is difficult to believe
that a parent loves a child when the parent is able to
inflict that kind of pain on the child.
Communication is difficult in a marraige at the best of
times, and it becomes even more strained during and after
divorce. But parents should not be using their children as
messengers, or worse, as spies. Keep your communications
with your ex-spouse direct and cordial. You don't have to
be loving or even friendly, but keep your children in mind.
It is their parent you are dealing with, and they still
love him or her, even if you don't.
Children of divorce have lived through a major change in
their lives, and attempting to change anything else at the
same time can bring tragic results. Do your best to ensure
that the remainder of their everyday lives remains stable.
Don't, for example, plan to move (if it can be avoided),
change schools or seriously change their standard of
living. This is one of the reasons that it's so important
to provide child support. Without that income, children
will be reduced to living a significantly diminished style
of living, which is both unfair and traumatic, especially
in lieu of all that they've been forced to cope with on an
emotional level.
Working with your ex-spouse to ensure that a common
philosophy of discipline is consistent between the two
households is essential to maintaining your children's
stability and security. Looking forward to going to "dad's
house" because he gives them everything that they want
without appropriate punishments, when necessary, rather
than staying at "mom's house," where discipline is enforced
is one scenario that you should avoid creating for your
children.
Another common problem that parents should avoid is to
criticize or ridicule your ex in front of the children. A
needs to respect his or her parent, and hearing them
criticized by the other parent will make the pain, loss and
guilt they are dealing with even worse. If you need to talk
about your spouse, find a trusted friend, relative, or even
a counselor. You should never expect your children to have
to listen to your complaints about their parent, whom they
still love. The result of this strategy is that the child
will have to defend the parent and you'll look worse.
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